Illinois

About 30 minutes to the Illinois border, Meg needed to stop. I needed a hot tea–not because I’m tired, but because I enjoy it.

The girls working at the McDonalds are acne ridden with too much makeup and snarly, hickish voices. One girl, who held the door open for us as she headed off duty with her uniform shirt unbuttoned and her cleavage on display, busted back in to the brightly lit store almost immediately as if she was about to burst.

Loudly she announced that “Oh my gawd! Shannon is in jail!”

The store screeched to a halt.

“Some guy was spitting on her car, and she said ‘do that again and I’ll hit ya.’ The guy said ‘I’d like to see that.’ So she hit him with a baseball bat.”  She paused and excitement, rather than horror, was writen all over her face.  “My cousin she’s such a bad ass!,” the girl exclaimed in admiration and with poor grammar.

I peered curiously at the rest of the clients in the order line.  The older woman in front looked disgusted.  My daughters looked stunned.  The guys in front of me looked delighted…or maybe all that was registering were her half exposed breasts.

The manager looked horrified.  I couldn’t tell if it was because of the news, or because of the drama in the store. I hoped it was the latter.     

A group of older people behind me just looked leathery, as if they had stood out in a dust storm and if I wiped my finger down each of their cheeks, a layer of dirt would wipe off revealing ivory skin beneath. They seemed unphased by the drama.

As I turned around I saw the manager sneak out the door with the excited girl. 

We ordered and hurried back to the silence and darkness of my car, but not before we saw them on cell phones outside of the store chattering like hens. They paused when we walked by, watching us as we went, then resumed as we got in the car.  Girls.

As we got on the highway, I smelled my tea. It was to hot to drink, but suddenly it was as if I was in my parents garage on a cold, rainy winter’s day. My mom was having a garage sale, and I had offered to help watch over the merchandise. I enjoyed watching the people look and pick at the items my parents wish to be rid of. Old purses and jewelry, used tools and appliances, empty picture frames and clothes spread out over aluminum folding tables covered in white paper table coverings. I didn’t want to leave despite my mom’s urging it that is was too cold to stay out.

My dad brought me my first cup of tea. “Drink it,” he said equal parts amused and gruff. “It will warm you up.” I smelled my tea then as I did just now, but perhaps more suspiciously. Its bitter flavor was not appealing then. I added milk to it…and sugar. It was too sweet.

I wonder when I started liking tea? I think about it, but I don’t remember.

We’re getting close to Peoria, and I’m still not tired.  The sky is dark, except for a halo over a town on the horizon.

Meg is asleep after a valiant battle to stay awake. Kate is learning to spell “suspiciously” and do math (miles to time conversion).

It smells like burnt rubber as we pass through champagne. My tea is almost gone…and so are many more miles as I make my way to you.

-M

The death of letter writing

My dear reader,

Today I mourned the death of letter writing. 

It came on suddenly, the realization of death and the mourning came zinging through the overcrowded brush of my hiking trail like a lightening rod.  I have not received a handwritten letter in more than a year.  The thought, literally, stopped me in my tracks and took my breath away.

It was one thing when letter writing seemed to me a romantic and rare art form.  It was so genteel and elegant (truthfully, it still is).  To this day, practically nothing excites me more than a pen gliding across a piece of beautiful blank stationery with thoughts and sentiments spun out in a lovely prose, like a morning glory vine that swirls across the media around it until, in a moment of early light, blooms into a breathtaking array of color and scent. 

But with the realization that I’m the only one writing letters, letter writing all the sudden seems so desolate, like a desert after a torrential rain–still barren because, no matter how thirsty the earth, the sun has baked it so hard it cannot absorb the water. 

I am thirsty for letters.  I have probably written more than 100 letters in the past two years, but have received less than a dozen in return…and none in the past year alone.

I know because I counted them.  I keep them. 

It’s part of their charm, you know.  Most people keep letters.  Did you know, for instance, that much of our history comes from information in letters?  Galileo outlined his discovery of planets and the Earth’s rotation around the sun in letters to Belisario Vinta.  Our founding fathers practically documented the entire revolution in letters to colleagues, and in magnificent form, more often to their wives.  The Wright Brothers ironed out ideas about flying machines through letters with engineers at the Smithsonian. 

What if someone were to write history based on the written mail people receive nowadays?  I don’t know about you, but all I ever receive are laser-jetted addresses peeking out of plastic window envelopes in my mailbox.  And inside, the content shares no thought nor sentiment.  Just sales pitches or payment reminders.  

It’s just not the same.  It’s just not the thing people keep for prosperity.  It’s just not the thing people treasure.

I used to say I wanted to be a pirate.  Now you know my treasure.  As a muse, I used to want my medium to be music.  But I know it is prose, specifically the handwritten letter kind.

Francis Bacon wrote that “letters, such as written by wise men, are, of all the words of men, the best.” 

I believe that’s true.

And who can deny the beauty of George Bernard Shaw’s defense of his romantic interlude with Ellen Terry when he said “Let those who may complain that [this romance] was all on paper remember that only on paper has humanity yet achieved glory, beauty, truth, knowledge, virtue and abiding love.” 

Is there anything more romantic than that?  Or more validating to a muse? 

As a good pirate, my pride flares up and it says it’s time to quit sending letters.  I don’t want to keep giving pieces of my thoughts and sentiments to people who don’t value it, to people who may not value it.  Quite frankly, I’m too valuable.  And I don’t believe in charity.

As a muse, I know I must continue to write.

I am faithfully true,

Monica

An Affair to Remember

I’ve just finished reading about the Merry Affair, and I must say, THIS is an affair to remember, with a crucial etiquette lesson.

Snapshot of the event:  the young nation, not even 10 years old, has a new president–Thomas Jefferson, who desperately wants to make sure that this new nation doesn’t become a monarchy.  He abhors the old ways and purposefully goes out of his way to squelch anything resembling European.  He is building a capital in the middle of the swamp with designs that reflect Roman influence.  Roman influence is what Jefferson designed the country after politically anyway. 

Enter the Merry’s–a newly married couple acting as ambassadors for England.  Anthony Merry presents himself to Jefferson for a formal introduction, as was the protocol.  Jefferson receives him in his…well…his pajamas!  Next evening, Jefferson hosts a formal dinner for the introduction of Elizabeth Merry.  When the dinner bell rang, Jefferson slights Mrs. Merry by escorting another woman (despite the other woman’s protests) to dinner and seats her in Mrs. Merry’s spot.  By doing so, Jefferson disarranges the entire seating structure leaving people to “scramble for a seat.” 

Jefferson’s new etiquette begins being emulated by others in the government, much to the chagrin of all the European ambassadors who start sending reports home of the inconsistent, lacking-discipline order that reigns in the new “wilderness.”  Europe begins to count the number of months to the new country’s demise under this “pele mele” etiquette.

As pele mele etiquette continues, more and more gentlemen and, more deleterious to society, women are offended.  No one seems to know how to act and when to be offended.  Soon, under Elizabeth Merry’s advice, the foreign ladies begin declining invitations to formal social events entirely so as not to expose their husbands to continued embarrassments. 

Jefferson claims victory.  However, it soon becomes clear that these women weren’t just societal creatures disposable and unnecessary in the building of the new country.  The very nature of women’s society had political advantages.  Women, it seemed, acted as advisers to their spouses, shared or gathered information of use that might not otherwise be brought to light, smoothed out misunderstandings, led discussions…

Jefferson began specifically soliciting the Merry’s company in hopes of stopping this “etiquette war” that he had started.  The Merry’s, however, stuck to their boycott.  In a last ditch attempt to recover, Jefferson finally printed the new rules of etiquette and circulated them throughout the international society.  Receiving these “Cannons of Etiquette” almost a year after his formal introduction, Anthony Merry replied that “I certainly should have been presented with these rules when I arrived to take up this post.”

Ah…and so now to my point.  In order to avoid affairs, you must set proper expectations. 

I used to say that everything in life would work well if people knew how to negotiate properly.  I still believe that is true, but the key to negotiation, to etiquette, to success is setting expectations.

In my observation, study and research, most offenses, misunderstandings, frustrations, anger, hatred and other of the ugly emotions, stem from lack of knowing or following set expectations.  Etiquette, in fact, is simply following a generally understood and agreed upon set of expectations. 

Jefferson lost the etiquette war and the respect of Europe through this affair.  But his motives were not vicious.  He simply wanted to change the etiquette of his country.  He knew, rightfully, that society and politics were intimately entwined, and that should society be allowed to follow the example of the monarchies of Europe, so too soon would the politics.   His only misstep was not making that clear up front. 

I recommend learning more about this affair to everyone, but especially to two groups of people:  those who are curious about what our founding fathers really intended for our country (because democracy of today is NOT it), and those who think that history really means “his story.”  For the former, this affair, more than any other, shows an encapsulated snapshot of the early vision.  For the latter, this affair shows that women may not have been the ones writing about what was going on, but they were certainly influencing it immensely–in a feminine way.

Treat Everyone With Respect

Now that we know our value, our needs and wants, everyone elses’ needs and wants, and we have evaluated all the possibilities, we can negotiate. With respect.

Respect is defined as worthy of regard. That means I’ve put some effort in knowing about and understanding you and your motives.

When I talk about negotiation I’m sure many of you still are thinking that it’s a game with a winner and a loser. Stop it. There are no losers in good negotiation. In fact, if done properly, negotiation will end in win-win situations that continue to increase the level and chance of positive outcomes for future interactions.

It’s called building a relationship.

I can hear some of you scoffing, groaning, even rolling your eyes. Many of you see that emotionally-charged word and think “I don’t want to be in a relationship with this person/these people!” Relax. By relationship I only mean that you are building some level of understanding and consistency of behavior that helps you best determine your future interactions.

The flip side of not using respect is what many of you might refer to as manipulation. That is, “I’m doing something I figure will not benefit or help you, even may do you harm, because I can get something out of it.”

My youngest daughter, whom I mentioned earlier, knows all about manipulation. She knows what she wants and needs and goes after it intensely. Sometimes there are tears, yelling and mean words involved. So let me stop you here with another definition. When someone is willing to go to any lengths to harm themselves or another to get what they want, it’s called terrorism.

And we do NOT negotiate with terrorists.

Should you face a terrorist situation, one in which you find your needs and wants completely disregarded, one in which you are not being treated with respect, one in which your personal value continues to be threatened, you must stop the discussion in it’s entirety and walk away. Leave the negotiation completely because not only will you not win, you will lose—face, grace, respect, trust, honor, confidence, and many other valuable values.

This is another reason why rule number one is so important. When you know your value you are less likely to face terrorism.

Therefore, my best negotiation-practice advice to you is to continue working to reinforce rule number 1: know your value. The more you can stay connected to your value and why you have high value, the better your chances that you will have successful negotiations, relationships and growth throughout your life.

Next week we’ll start exploring where and how these negotiation rules can be used.  I think you’ll find the possibilities limitless, and, hopefully, you’ll find the stories amusing.

Monica’s No Self Deprecation Rule

Someone once told me that resumes are not tools to hire people; they are tools to weed people out of the hiring process.  “How odd,” I thought at the time, “that a document of our ‘best’ would be used to evaluate us for our worst.”

After recently interviewing people for an open position at work, I know that the it’s true!  I scoured resume after resume discarding at the mere mention of key words and not thinking anything of it.  But that wasn’t the most shocking part of the inteviewing process.  What was most shocking was that as I evaluated the confidence, experience and skills of the interviewees, I became aware of the same for the people with whom I already work. 

My colleagues, it turns out, are self deprecators.  They say the most incredibly mean and terrible things about themselves.

I don’t understand this!   

I guess I was fortunate because I was taught early that the only person whose opinion mattered was my own.  I was also taught that the only person you could truly count on to be your eternal champion was, well, yourself. 

Most of my colleagues (and it turns out, most people in general) are their own worst critic.  Don’t get me wrong, I believe strongly in the importance of self evaluation and self awareness.  And I am often hard on myself — I have extremely high expectations for myself.  But I don’t share my critiques of myself with the public.  I don’t hand people the tools to make me feel less than I am.  They are already looking to do that on their own.

Instead, I have learned the grace and value of accepting a compliment.  “What a nice thing to say.  Thank you.”  It’s an extremely difficult lesson – but absolutely necessary. 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  Your playing small does not serve the world.  There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.”  —Marianne Williamson

 

Evaluate The Possibilities

Once we know our value (and truly believe in it…if you don’t, go back and reread before continuing), know what we need and determine what everyone else needs, we must talk about sacrifice before we negotiate.

Don’t do it. That’s my advice to you.

Sacrifice is a loaded word. People equate it with saints and martyrs and heroes. However, sacrifice is the stuff of losers. People do it when they don’t value who they are.

My good friend Merriam Webster defines sacrifice as “loss.” Sacrifice is giving up something of value for something of lesser value. But I’m not talking money.

In The Power of One by Bryce Courtney, seven-year-old Peekay arrives in Barbertown, South Africa, with an aptitude to learn, but no structure. Doc, an aging German botanist discovers Peekay’s quick intelligence and curiosity and takes him under his wing to teach him. Peekay’s mother initially objects because she cannot afford to pay for the lessons and won’t take charity. But Doc suggests that Peekay accompany him on day trips into the South African hills to gather rare cacti. Exchanging education for digging in the dirt might seem like a sacrifice. But to an aging botanist, value is someone who can operate a spade with the strength and precision necessary to move rare plant specimens and who can document his findings meticulously. Doc is no saint. He has needs. And by understanding the needs of Peekay and Peekay’s mother, he gets what he wants.

Later in the book Peekay jumps in front of a prison sargeant’s kick, which was meant for Doc’s ribs. While recovering in the hospital, Peekay is confused to find himself lauded as a hero. “Doc was the most important person in my life, and the thought of him [being hit] was unbearable.”

To Peekay, Doc’s health and well being is of utmost value. Not because he doesn’t value his health and well being, but because he has evaluated (quickly) all possibilities of that exchange. To the aging and fragile Doc, that physical injury would potentially have been lethal. Whereas for the young and healthy Peekay, it just meant some temporary pain and discomfort.

Evaluating the possibilities works best using two simple words: “if” and “then.” “If this happens, then that will result.” It’s not difficult; it’s basic science and human nature.

What is difficult is making sure you take into account all the possibilities, including time. That’s because not everything of value is instantaneous. Sometimes results take awhile, but end up being more valuable. And negotiation is all about value. Evaluating the possibilities is simply a way to find out how to generate the most value for you and for the person with whom you are negotiating.

For example, I was asked to work on a project that needed some extra time at work. I value my job, but I also value my personal time. After careful evaluation, I chose to work the extra time in exchange for a bonus personal day. So in return for giving three extra hours to work on a cold, dark December evening, I received eight hours of time that I used to go hiking in the spring. My company got their work done in a more condensed timeframe, and I got more than double my personal time. Definitely doesn’t make me a martyr, wouldn’t you agree?

But then again, I don’t ever want to be one.

Know What Other People Want

Relationships don’t work too well when one person does all the giving or all the taking, so it’s vital that you understand the other people when negotiating. Specifically, you must understand their needs and wants.

Since we established last week that knowing what we want is difficult, you can imagine that knowing what others need or want is even more so.

So how do you find out? You can ask, and that’s not a bad way to start. But the best tools are simple ones. Observation and careful listening. Notice I didn’t say they were easy. That’s because simple doesn’t always mean easy.

For example, I often negotiate with my youngest daughter. She is a darling little girl who, when asked what she wants doesn’t EVER hesitate to tell you in detailed language. She prefers to pick out her own clothes, to determine her own lunch (and dinner) menu, to manage her speed and to set her own schedule. She doesn’t take too well to someone encroaching on any of these decisions, physically or verbally. While she might want to wear gym shorts with cowboy boots, eat baked beans and black olives, speed through homework but poke around in the garden and wake up at 4:30 a.m. on the weekends, I think it’s safe to say that one of her driving needs is independence (and maybe control too).

It’s part of her charm. And I respect that in my negotiations with her. This isn’t to say she has the upper hand. It means, that knowing she prefers to be independent, I might frame my language to show her how my needs can be met without infringing on her independence.

I hear you. No. It’s not manipulation. I truly care about her independence. I truly want her to feel fulfilled at the end of our negotiation. But not at the detriment of my need to keep her safe, healthy, educated, etc. That would be a sacrifice, and like Abbe Faria said in my favorite pirate story, The Count of Monte Cristo, “I’m not a saint.”

But we’ll talk about that next week when we learn how to Evaluate All The Posibilities.

Command = charm = etiquette

Do it with charm.

That was my promise to you for this blog. I promised it because it is a vital component to building professional relationships.

Merriam Webster defines relationships as “being connected.” So I resort to my physics background and switch to science for a second. According to science there are two ways to connect: force and attraction. Many of the relationship-building lessons here require you to find and use your strength. I want you to be strong. But strength is often perceived as force.

That isn’t what I’m advocating. I don’t want you to force anyone do anything.

This is something I recently had to confront personally. It seems that command was one of my top five strengths according to strengths finders. Honestly, I was upset because I pride myself on my charm. And command didn’t sound charming.

So I looked up command. It seems there are two words that mean being authoritative and taking control: demand and command. Demand uses “what is due” to claim authority and take control. Demand flows from the leader to the followers.

Command uses skill and ability to be assigned authority and take control. It usually flows from followers assigning authority to a leader. The difference between demand and command is force versus attraction. And using Merriam Webster’s definition of charm–”a compelling need or desire to draw toward”–the difference between demand and command is charm.

Etiquette is the tool that drives charm. That’s because etiquette is not about conforming to rules. Etiquette is about enhancing who you are so that others will see your strength instead focusing on your weaknesses.

Now I know that Emily Post (one of my heroines!) has published huge volumes of rules to be followed, including those that instruct you on use of forks and invitations and even e-mail. But these rules allow you to determine what is acceptable behavior so that people don’t focus on what you do wrong. Instead, by behaving appropriately, people will focus on what you do well.

And we will start next week with our language in public, better known as Monica’s No Self Deprecation Rule.

Know Your Needs and Wants

Once you know your value, you need to know what you need and want. Sound easy? It isn’t.

Let’s think Pirates of the Caribbean.

Elizabeth Swann has been captured by the pirates and negotiates for them to cease fire on Port Royal. The pirate captain asks “what is it that you want?” She replies “for you to leave and never come back.”

The captain agrees and the first mate orders cannons stopped and stowed and flags unfurled for sail. Elizabeth realizing they are about to set sail with her still aboard demands the captain put her ashore. The captain replies “your return to shore was not part of our negotiation nor agreement.”

Knowing what you need and want means being clear to yourself and others about what your expectation is. Your needs and wants will only be met as far as you can identify them.

My team at work is currently understaffed by two people, so our primary need is time. It is tempting to gain some time by pushing the work back to requesters, asking them to do it themselves for now. However, doing so often means a lot more time on the back end mitigating issues. The requesters are not experts at what we do. We are. That’s why they ask us to do it.

What is our expectation then?

Our team looked at where we spend the majority of our time and found that most of it is spent trying to uncover the information necessary to make decisions, and then ensuring the entire organization is on the same page. Therefore, our need would be that requesters give us all the information necessary to make decisions up front. Our expectation is also that they have the buy-in from all affected functions in the organization. This allows us to be experts at what we should be, push back work appropriately and save time.

To figure out your needs and wants, it’s best to take a few minutes and envision the best outcome. Think it through, and ask yourself these questions:

• What do I really expect to have happen? What does it look like? Feel like? Sound like?
• What do I NOT want to have happen? Think the worst. What would make the worst happen? (And make sure you account for that!)
• What assumptions have I made? What am I taking for granted…because you may be the only one who is taking it for granted!

Elizabether Swann learned this the hard way…several times in Pirates of the Caribbean. But she soon caught on. Knowing your needs and wants is the difference between being set free on a deserted isle in the Caribbean with no food or water and being set free safely back in your home harbor.

Tune in next week when we explore rule 3 of negotiations–how to find out what others need and want. Hint: Observation!

Know Your Value

Those of you who know me know I have a “no self deprecation” rule that I enforce strictly. It stems from rule one of negotiation.

Every person has value. High value. Marianne Williamson explained it best when she said “we ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? … Your playing small does not serve the world.”

But there is only one person in your life that MUST think you’re valuable. YOU! And there is only one person who can control what is said about you — a major component of how others see you. YOU! So don’t self deprecate.

Valuing yourself means knowing and accepting who you are. There are a million self-help books that talk about this topic. But you don’t have to buy any of them. If you can answer the following questions, you’re good. If you can’t answer them, well, find the answers:
1. What do I like to do?
2. What do I do well?
3. Do I make sure I actively do those things I like and do well? (if your answer is no, change the question to “How can I make sure I actively do those things…”)
4. Who do I want to be?
5. Do I believe I can be who I want to be? (if your answer is no, change the question to “How can I take steps to ensure I will be who I want to be?”)

Seriously, if you can’t answer those questions, stop right now and answer them.

Yes, it’s that important. If you don’t master this rule, you will never negotiate well. All success in negotiation is determined by how well you know your value. Why? If you don’t think you’re important enough to deserve what you want, you won’t get it. That’s because if you don’t think you’re important enough, you aren’t likely are you put forth the effort necessary TO get it.

Of course, that means you must also know what you want. We’ll talk about that next week, so stay tuned…