Do it with charm.
That was my promise to you for this blog. I promised it because it is a vital component to building professional relationships.
Merriam Webster defines relationships as “being connected.” So I resort to my physics background and switch to science for a second. According to science there are two ways to connect: force and attraction. Many of the relationship-building lessons here require you to find and use your strength. I want you to be strong. But strength is often perceived as force.
That isn’t what I’m advocating. I don’t want you to force anyone do anything.
This is something I recently had to confront personally. It seems that command was one of my top five strengths according to strengths finders. Honestly, I was upset because I pride myself on my charm. And command didn’t sound charming.
So I looked up command. It seems there are two words that mean being authoritative and taking control: demand and command. Demand uses “what is due” to claim authority and take control. Demand flows from the leader to the followers.
Command uses skill and ability to be assigned authority and take control. It usually flows from followers assigning authority to a leader. The difference between demand and command is force versus attraction. And using Merriam Webster’s definition of charm–”a compelling need or desire to draw toward”–the difference between demand and command is charm.
Etiquette is the tool that drives charm. That’s because etiquette is not about conforming to rules. Etiquette is about enhancing who you are so that others will see your strength instead focusing on your weaknesses.
Now I know that Emily Post (one of my heroines!) has published huge volumes of rules to be followed, including those that instruct you on use of forks and invitations and even e-mail. But these rules allow you to determine what is acceptable behavior so that people don’t focus on what you do wrong. Instead, by behaving appropriately, people will focus on what you do well.
And we will start next week with our language in public, better known as Monica’s No Self Deprecation Rule.
Not sure if you have read GO, Put Your Strengths to Work, the latest by Marcus Buckingham, but it deals with the idea of how to leverage your strengths as opposed to focusing on improving your weaknesses. It is a follow up to Now Discover Your Strengths, and it is filled with tips on how to really use the knowledge of “who you are” to your advantage. I just started it Saturday. The author advises one chapter per week, so I am going to be talking a little about it for the next few weeks as I try to learn some new things. The basic premise of the book is right in line with your post. Great stuff.
David,
. But that takes charm too! Thanks for the comment.
Great suggestion! I have added GO, Put Your Strengths to Work to my reading list. I’m actually relieved to know he wrote such a follow up book because I wasn’t sure what to do with my strengths now that I know them. He’ll probably tell me I belong in sales